In my previous post I talked about the Growth Mindset, its importance and why we should seek to develop it in our children. The goal of this post is to explain how to build this mindset in our children and how to properly promote self-esteem.
Self-Esteem relates to how we evaluate or feel about our worth. We all want to promote our children’s self-esteem and there is a lot written on this subject. However, it is very important to boost our child’s self-esteem in the best way. When we hear about boosting self-esteem we immediately think about praising our children (this is also often what is taught). However, recent research shows that attempting to boost self-esteem does not improve academic achievement and can reduce young people’s resilience, mental well-being and life skills.
There is more to life than how we feel; the ordinary realities in life include adversities, setbacks and frustrations. This means that kids must develop the character and self-efficacy to persevere through the challenges in order to succeed in school, sports, work, relationships and life. We must promote our children’s self-esteem in the correct way and encourage self-efficacy (belief in one’s ability).
It is a tough balance as parents since we want to communicate the values that bring success and we want to protect them. Often, protecting them from failure (although may help the immediate problem of disappointment) is counterproductive since it is harmful in the long run. I would like to illustrate with 2 examples regarding how we can communicate the growth mindset (which leads to developing greater values):
1) Be aware of the messages you send to your child.
For example, comments like: “You learned so fast – you are really smart!” and “What a great painting, you are a natural!” and “You are brilliant, you got an A without even studying!” These comments are meant to be positive and self-esteem boosting but they can be detrimental in the long run. If you listen more closely you can understand how a child may hear: “If I don’t learn fast than you aren’t smart.” And “I shouldn’t try to draw anything hard or my mom may not think I’m that good.” And “I better stop studying or dad won’t think I’m brilliant.” The above attempts at praise actually encourage a Fixed Mindset which makes one think that all our talents, ability and intelligence is fixed and this is a harmful mentality and not accurate.
Instead, encourage and praise effort, learning and character! For example, say, “Great report card – you must have studied hard!” and “Very impressive juggling, I bet that took a lot of time to be that good.” You can also encourage effort and learning by asking about it. Ask them what they worked hard on today, what they learned. Be attentive and encouraging to their answers. Teach them how their brain is like a muscle that grows through failing and reaching. This encourages them to seek challenges, learning and character development.
2) Don’t be afraid of failure for your child.
For example, lets say Gunner, your 9 year-old son, had a poor soccer game and the team lost the finals. There are a number of ways you can respond as a parent: Tell him he did great – this is insincere (you and Gunner both know it) and offers no solution to recover or improve; Tell him he was robbed – this places blame on others encouraging him to blame others when things go wrong; Tell him it was just a game and it doesn’t matter – this is a poor message that teaches Gunner to devalue something if he doesn’t do well; or Tell Gunner that he didn’t deserve to win.
This final response is best even though I encourage you to make this point a bit more tactfully. You do need to be honest and address the issue (in a loving way) and give a recipe to recover and improve. This hard and honest feedback encourages the growth mindset and helps build character. While your heart goes out to your child during a setback, do not be discouraged since these challenges build up our children for future success.
Click Here to watch fun soccer games you can play At Home with your child!
Click Here for great resources to instruct and introduce your child to soccer.
Click Here to learn how to bring this rewarding business to your territory.
Mighty Kicks is a national franchise that offers a premier introductory early childhood soccer program. The affordable soccer franchise opportunity makes it easy to bring our proven business to your area. Click Here to learn how to impact youth and profit with your own Mighty Kicks business. Make your passion a career!