Building Resilience in Children
Strength of character and character formation have been a regular theme to my blogs so far. I have enjoyed the research and studies I have done on this subject and it makes a lot of sense. Although it is intimidating that we cannot protect our children from the setbacks, failures, frustrations and challenges of life, we should remain hopeful. This is because raising resilient children is possible and can provide them with the tools they need to respond to life’s great challenges! This view may require a paradigm shift for many of us in order that we don’t see the failures and hardships of our children as entirely negative. These adversities can be used (and must be taught by us parents) to instill resilience and strong character.
It is a scary environment with a lot of noise and stressors that we place our children in these days. Kids NEED to acquire skills to cope, recover from hardships and prepare for future challenges. Kids need to be RESILIENT and we ought to help them!
Resilience means to return to its original shape after being bent, stretched or pressed; someone’s ability to become strong again after illness or disappointment. We develop resilience similar to how we strengthen a muscle, through resistance and pushing against. This is not comfortable, but in the end it makes us stronger. Understanding that this resilience training is good for our kids is a healthy perspective.
From Dr. Ginsburg’s book, “A Parent’s Guide to Building Resilience in Children and Teens,” I have shared below his seven C’s of resilience. I hope these tools help you to instill resilience in your children.
Competence
Competence describes the feeling of knowing that you can handle a situation effectively. We can help the development of competence by:
- Helping children focus on individual strengths
- Focusing any identified mistakes on specific incidents
- Empowering children to make decisions
- Being careful that your desire to protect your child doesn’t mistakenly send a message that you don’t think he or she is competent to handle things
- Recognizing the competencies of siblings individually and avoiding comparisons
Confidence
A child’s belief in his own abilities is derived from competence. Build confidence by:
- Focusing on the best in each child so that he or she can see that, as well
- Clearly expressing the best qualities, such as fairness, integrity, persistence, and kindness
- Recognizing when he or she has done well
- Praising honestly about specific achievements; not diffusing praise that may lack authenticity
- Not pushing the child to take on more than he or she can realistically handle
Connection
Developing close ties to family and community creates a solid sense of security that helps lead to strong values and prevents alternative destructive paths to love and attention. You can help your child connect with others by:
- Building a sense of physical safety and emotional security within your home
- Allowing the expression of all emotions, so that kids will feel comfortable reaching out during difficult times
- Addressing conflict openly in the family to resolve problems
- Creating a common area where the family can share time (not necessarily TV time)
- Fostering healthy relationships that will reinforce positive messages
Character
Children need to develop a solid set of morals and values to determine right from wrong and to demonstrate a caring attitude toward others. To strengthen your child’s character, start by:
- Demonstrating how behaviors affect others
- Helping your child recognize himself or herself as a caring person
- Demonstrating the importance of community
- Encouraging the development of spirituality
- Avoiding racist or hateful statements or stereotypes
Contribution
Children need to realize that the world is a better place because they are in it. Understanding the importance of personal contribution can serve as a source of purpose and motivation. Teach your children how to contribute by:
- Communicating to children that many people in the world do not have what they need
- Stressing the importance of serving others by modeling generosity
- Creating opportunities for each child to contribute in some specific way
Coping
Learning to cope effectively with stress will help your child be better prepared to overcome life’s challenges. Positive coping lessons include:
- Modeling positive coping strategies on a consistent basis
- Guiding your child to develop positive and effective coping strategies
- Realizing that telling him or her to stop the negative behavior will not be effective
- Understanding that many risky behaviors are attempts to alleviate the stress and pain in kids’ daily lives
- Not condemning your child for negative behaviors and, potentially, increasing his or her sense of shame
Control
Children who realize that they can control the outcomes of their decisions are more likely to realize that they have the ability to bounce back. Your child’s understanding that he or she can make a difference further promotes competence and confidence. You can try to empower your child by:
- Helping your child to understand that life’s events are not purely random and that most things that happen are the result of another individual’s choices and actions
- Learning that discipline is about teaching, not punishing or controlling; using discipline to help your child to understand that his actions produce certain consequences
Dr. Ginsburg summarizes what we know for sure about the development of resilience in kids by the following:
- Children need to know that there is an adult in their life who believes in them and loves them unconditionally.
- Kids will live “up” or “down” to our expectations.
There is no simple answer to guarantee resilience in every situation. But we can challenge ourselves to help our children develop the ability to negotiate their own challenges and to be more resilient, more capable, and happier.
Overview of Stress
- There will always be stress in our lives.
- Stress is an important tool that can aid in our survival.
- Our body’s reaction to stress is mediated through a complex interplay of sensory input—sights and sounds—as well as the brain and nervous system, hormones, and the body’s cells and organs.
- Emotions play an important role in how we experience stress because the brain is the conductor of this system. The way we think about stress and what we choose to do about it can affect the impact of a stressful event.
Source: Healthy Children Magazine, Winter 2007
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